Alright, listen up, people. I have found THE greatest tool in existence. It slices, it dices, it probably opens cans (if you figure out which part to use)—and it’s my new favorite thing for both exterminating zombies and pissing off Jonah.
Introducing… the mighty Paracord 20-1 Survival Bracelet! 🛠️✨
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Judas, don’t you already carry a machete, a crowbar, a slingshot, and an unreasonable number of questionable homemade weapons?”
Yes.
Yes, I do.
But THIS?! This is next-level.
How I’ve Used This Glorious Multi-Tool in the Apocalypse
✔ Zombie Extraction Tool: One time, we had a crawler stuck under the truck, scratching at the axle like it was trying to audition for a low-budget horror flick. Jonah wanted to just shoot it. Boring. So I crawled under there and used the pliers to yank the sucker’s jaw clean off. No more biting, problem solved.
✔ Jonah’s Favorite Headache: I discovered that the built-in screwdriver can loosen just enough screws in Jonah’s gear to make everything mildly inconvenient. Not dangerous, just… annoying. Backpack strap randomly detaching? Flashlight falling apart? He hasn’t figured out it’s me yet. (And if you tell him, I will find you.)
✔ Survival Genius Move #47: Ever tried cutting through a fence while being chased? I have. The serrated knife on this thing went through chain-link almost as fast as JJ went through my last bottle of whiskey.
✔ Ultimate Bottle Opener: After a long day of zombie extermination, nothing is more satisfying than cracking open a cold one. Or, in my case, opening Jonah’s drink before he gets to it and watching him suffer while I enjoy mine first.
Other Uses (For Those of You Who Aren’t Living in a Zombie Warzone… Yet)
Alright, so maybe you don’t need this for undead-related problems right now. But let’s be honest—life is unpredictable.
✔ Camping? Boom. Firewood prep.
✔ DIY Projects? Boom. Instant toolkit.
✔ Breaking Into Jonah’s Locked Ammo Box? Boom. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Basically, this thing is a must-have whether you’re fighting zombies, surviving the wild, or just need to tighten a loose screw (including the ones in your head).
Buy It. Now. (Because I Need to Impress JJ)
And yes, this page contains affiliate links. Which means when you buy through me, I get a cut. And I plan to use those funds to buy JJ something sweet. Probably chocolate. Maybe something shiny. Definitely NOT another weapon because Jonah says I’m “not allowed to encourage her.”
👉 CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR 20-1 PARACORD ADJUSTABLE GEAR KIT NOW!
Because you never know when you’ll need to fix something… or mess with Jonah.
Judas Zee, Signing Off.
(Professional Zombie Exterminator, Prankster Extraordinaire, and Future “Best Gift Giver Ever” According to JJ)
P.S. Want more of my Great Tips? Make sure and subscribe to the blog!
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