Oh. What. Is. This? Shiny bag. Bright colors. Smells… kind of like… food? But not like real food. No delicious, juicy, warm, fresh… BRAAAAIINS. No, this smells… different. Sweet. Like when Judas spills soda everywhere and then steps in it.
Huuuuurrrrrggghhh…
Jonah and Judas toss this bag in front of me like it’s a treat. Do they think I’m a dog? Do I look like Xanadu? I do not fetch. I do not sit. I shuffle. I groan. I stare ominously. I am a zombie, dang it.
Braaaaaaains.
Wait. The bag says BRAINS. Now we’re talking. Could it be? Could someone have finally packaged up my favorite snack into a convenient, bite-sized, easy-to-chew form? I reach my decayed, slightly dripping fingers toward it, rip it open…
HUUUUUNNNNGGHHH…
Little squishy things fall out. Not brains. Not warm. Not soft. Not satisfying. But they are shaped like brains. Maybe if I close my dead, crusty eyes and pretend real hard…
Braaaaaaains.
Okay. I try one. It is… chewy. Squishy. Sweet. This is not real brains. But it is fun to chew. Like when I gnawed on Judas’ boot that one time. Sticky. Gummy. Probably won’t nourish my undead body, but it does stop my jaw from locking up, so that’s something.
Huuuuhhhrrrrnnnnnnnnghh…
Jonah seems pleased that I am entertained. JJ keeps trying to take pictures of me “enjoying” my new snack. I am not sure what to do with this attention. Xanadu is wagging his tail. Judas is stuffing his mouth with these fake brains like he’s the one who just came back from the dead. I have concerns.
Would I recommend these to other zombies? No. Would I recommend them to humans who want to pretend they are zombies and eat “brains” safely without committing a crime? Probably. Would I rather have the real thing? Absolutely.
But I will keep eating them. Because they are squishy. And I am bored.
If you are not undead and want to pretend you are (or if you just like weird candy), Jonah says buy them here: 👉 CLICK FOR BRAINS.
Affiliate links. Whatever that means. I do not care. I just want… BRAAAAAAAINS.
–Larry The Zombie
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